In the aftermath of the storm

Today is a sad day. Today, several twisters ripped through parts of North Carolina leaving piles of materials that were once communities.  Today's events were only the latest part of a 3 day storm that began late Thursday in Oklahoma and trekked eastward through Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and then here, to our backyards.  As of right now, this storm has claimed at least 22 lives in the south with at least 5 confirmed fatalities in Cumberland, Johnston and Bladen counties; along with thousands of damaged or destroyed homes and businesses.

                Looking at photos of the aftermath, I am sure I speak for most of the people in my hometown when I say, "It could have been worst".   Hope Mills was one of the lucky areas without major damage.  Wind, rain and power outages were all that was reported for a large part of the area.  Most of the damage is on the North side of Fayetteville, around North Reilly Road and Ramsey Street. Several neighborhoods in that area were severely damaged and in some cases, completely destroyed.  I have seen pictures of the baseball field at Pine Forest High School and it's not pretty.  Sadly, most of that area looks a lot like that baseball field. 

By now, most of us have seen the video footage or pictures of the Lowes store in Sanford, NC.  While the building is in shambles, the 100 plus employees and customers that were in the store at the time were safe thanks to the manager who saw the storm coming and literally pushed everyone to the back of the building before the front of it was flattened.   In Raleigh, the tornado snapped power lines causing utility poles to crash into the streets.  I have seen photos of cars piled on top of each other.  Trees have been ripped from the ground and now lay among the shambles that were once homes.   Stony Brook North, a mobile home park in Raleigh, was described as being buried in piles of trees and remnants of dwellings.

But like I said, thankfully, most of the people in my hometown were part of the lucky ones.  As I sit here, looking at all the news coverage and reading article after article about the damage done over the past 3 days, I am almost ashamed of myself for being annoyed that the one lawn chair I had in my backyard that I never even used, ran away with the wind.  I can walk out my front door and all I see are large tree branches scattered around my neighborhood and a few misplaced lawn ornaments.  You wouldn't even know that just a few miles away, my neighbors are settling down in a shelter tonight because their homes are gone.

                So how can we as a community step up and help those that weren't as lucky as us?  It’s not always easy to know what’s the right way to help in a time like this.  I find it best to turn to the professionals, The American Red Cross.   Along with setting up several shelters, The Highlands Chapter of the American Red Cross will be training volunteers to help Fayetteville's tornado victims on Sunday morning.  The training will begin at 10 a.m. at their Carol Street offices.  According to the Red Cross website, they are not accepting food or clothing donations right now.  Local business and restaurants have already made donations to help feed the shelters as well as emergency workers.  What they need the most is financial assistance.  Anyone interested should call 910-867-8151 or send an email to chapter@highlandsarc.org.  You can also visit the American Red Cross website to see how you can help all the victims of this devastating storm across the southern states.   It won't be much, but I'll be sending what I can and even though they are not accepting clothing or food donations now, I'm still packing up some cloths, extra toiletries and non-perishable food to keep in my car just in case I come across someone who may need it.  Most importantly, spread the word.  If your local church or organization is planning something to help our community shout it from the roof tops.  The more people we get involved the quicker we can restore what was lost.   

This storm has touched us all in some way.  It's almost inspiring to see so many of us, in our vast diversity, all roll up our sleeves, rise to the occasion and pitch in what we can, when we can.  The wall of separation that sometimes divides us seems to crumble as we all come to together to help those that need it the most.  To everyone that has been affected by this storm, know that you are not alone.  Know that we grieve with you.  Know that our thoughts and hearts go out to you and your loved ones.  And in true southern fashion, know that we, as a community, will repair the damage this storm has caused.

My little bug is here!!

Today is an exciting day.  Today I got my little bodybugg from Amazon.  I call it a bodybugg but it’s really the GoWear Fit Armband.  I think the term BodyBugg is actually a trademark to the Biggest Loser thing which is where I first found out about this nifty little device.  If you happen to be a fan of the show than you have probably seen those little arm band things the contestants are always wearing.  That’s the BodyBugg.  It’s kind of like a pedometer on crack.  Not only does it track your steps taken but it also monitors the calories burned while exercising.  From the online website, you can enter your meals for the day and it will give you a pretty little picture of how you’re doing overall.  It is a much more accurate way of tracking your progress when you want to lose weight or improve your fitness level.   Even though the Biggest Loser sells their version of this device, it was about $275.00 on Amazon.   Keep in mind that it did come with a full year subscription to their online website that you have to have in order to use this gadget.  That was a little steep for me so I did some research to see if I could find the same device only a bit more in my price range.   There are really only 2 that you can choose from.  There’s the Biggest Loser BodyBugg one from 24 Hour Fitness and then there’s the GoWear Fit from Body Media.  When I’m making a large purchase there’s always a few things I use to make my decision.  One is customer reviews.  I know, some of them are fake post by the manufactures which is why I tend not to put too much into the reviews that gush about how the product just simply changed their life.  I also compare to see which one gives me more for my money.  Sometimes a cheaper price means a cheaper product and that’s never good.  Remember, I made all these comparisons through Amazon which is where I buy pretty much everything.  And since this is just a comparison of how I made the decision on which one to buy and not the actual products themselves, it’s not exactly a professional review.     So here’s the breakdown: 

	BodyBugg Band	GoWear Fit Band	Winner
Price (before taxes)	$275.99 + $19.99 S&H for an overall cost of $295.98	$179.95 w/ Free Shipping I also purchased a 1 year subscription to the website and an extra arm band so I can switch them out between washings.   This brought the grand total to: $255.50	GoWear Fit Band:  Free shipping is always a plus and I also liked that it didn’t come in this huge colorful box which we all know is just for show.   The fact that I was able to purchase an extra arm band and still pay less than the BodyBugg is really what put it over the top.
Subscription Fee (required)	12-months free Renewal fees are:  $6.95-month to month $49.95- 6 months $79.95-12 months	3-months free Renewal fees are: $12.95-month to month $59.70- 6 months $83.40- 12 months	BodyBugg Band:  This was surprising.  I thought you’d have to pay more because of the Biggest Loser logo but apparently not.  What is also a little weird is that from what I can tell, both devices use the same company for their tracking website, BodyMedia.  Why the prices are different, I have no idea.
Customizing factors	According to the product description and reviews for the BodyBugg, it tracks calories burned throughout the day and compares them to the meals that you enter online.  You can customize your program based on your age, weight, height and personal goal.	I just finished setting up my account. Both programs have the same general set up, tracks calories burned and calories consumed.   It also has the same basic customizing features like age, weight, height and personal goals.  Some things it has that the BodyBugg doesn’t are that it keeps track of not only your weight but your waist size.  You can also track your sleep patterns and how many calories you burn through the night.  I thought that was pretty nifty.	GoWear Fit Band:  All the reviews that I read said that the GoWear Fit Band takes the lead in this area simply because it can be worn while sleeping and it can tell when you are just lying in bed or actually asleep.  I also like that I can keep track of my waist measurement and not just my weight.  Apparently the size of your waist is directly connected to your overall health.
Nifty little throw-ins	Free mobile application to keep track of your progress on the go as well as 1 free phone session with a fitness expert to help you find the best plan for you.	Free mobile application	Tie:  Having an application for my iPhone is a must for me, yes, I am an application junkie.  I really could care less about the free phone call.  I know what they are going to say.  Eat less, exercise more.  Since they both have mobile apps and I don’t care about the free call, it was a tie.
Overall customer satisfaction	On Amazon, the BodyBugg got an average of 3 out of 5 stars.  Most of the complaints were about battery life issues and poor customer service.	Again, on Amazon, the GoWear Fit only did a tiny bit better with 3.5 stars out of 5.  While it has a 90% accuracy (which is very good) it can be a little difficult to customize your program just right to get that 90%.	Another tie:  The overall reviews seem to say pretty much the same thing.  There are things people like and don’t like about the product.  Overall I think it comes down to which company you want to spend your money with.

So, not counting the nifty little features and customer satisfaction tie, the GoFit Wear Armband won 2:1.  Keep in mind; if you are thinking about getting one of these things, you have to be willing to commit to it especially if you want to get your money’s worth.  In the end, it was all about the price for me.   Now that my little bug is here, I am so excited to start using it.  Right now it’s charging but I have my profile all set up and ready to go for first thing in the morning.  I will continue to keep you posted and let you know if after all this, it was even worth it. 

There is a ton of vegan junk food out there

            I tried to make bean soup again today with Israeli couscous. This was my 3^rd or 4^th attempt I think.  It didn’t turn out so good. Instead of soup, I have a big huge crock pot full of bean jello-o.  The little pearls of couscous look like tiny white fish eggs just suspended in this brownish goop.  I have no idea how I messed this dish up so bad.  I hate the idea of wasting all that food so I tried to see if maybe Bailey would eat it.  She won’t.  I put a spoonful in her bowl to test it out.  She sniffed it, licked it, and then slowly backed away keeping her eyes on the dish the whole time.  I’m pretty sure she was scared it was going to reach out of the bowl and try to suck her in, kind of like the blob.  Keep in mind,  I’ve been eating beans for years now.  The only thing is, I normal get the canned variety.  At this point I kind of miss the cans.  They’re easy to cook with and are great for a quick meal.  The sodium content however is not so great.  Besides, part of my new diet plan is to go as organic as possible; even if that does mean I burn beans, undercook beans, over season them or simply turn them into a creepy gelatin form.  I will not give up.  The disaster has been disposed of, the crock pot is all clean and tomorrow I will go out to the store and get another bag of dried beans.  I’ll probably pick of few bags, just in case. 

                Speaking of diet, I never did get around to telling you what my big huge amazingly awesome totally insane plan for a better me plan was did I?  Yeah, I know that title doesn’t work either.   My main goal is to become 150% times healthier.  I want to be one of those annoying woman you see jogging in the neighborhood at 6 o’clock in the morning all smiles while her stupid little pony tail swings back and forth.  To do that I have to lose weight, quit smoking and well, learn how to run.   As I said before, I am a vegan, most of the time.  I do tend to slip a little when it comes to dairy, especially cheese or coffee creamer.  Other than that, I’m pretty good with the no meat or eggs (never been a big fan of either one even before I went vegan).  

I love animals, all animals.  I’ve been a vegetarian on and off since I was 12.  The off periods mainly being when I was in the Army and when I was pregnant with Dalton; most of the time I would eat meat only once or twice a week.   I never really thought about dairy or eggs harming animals until I watched Food Inc.  If you haven’t seen it, I strongly suggest you do.  .  This is the movie that really changed a lot of things for me.  No, it’s not a movie about trying to turn the world vegan.  It’s about how the food companies have drastically changed the way we think about food and what it’s doing to our health and our environment.  This movie led me to other movies like Food Matters; King Corn and Tapped; a great movie about the bottled water industry.  That of course lead me to the web and I spent days researching all kinds of different things and watching a huge variety of videos.  I even ordered a bunch of books about going vegan and the benefits it can have on not just your physical health but your mental health as well.  What really made me decided to go full fledge vegan was something I read in a book about veganism and the debate on how drinking cow's milk is unatural.  A majority of the population is lactose intolerane to some degree.  Those of us that can digest milk are thought to have a genetic mutation that occurred thousands of years ago so we could survice on a herd's milk under harsh conditions.  We no longer live under those harsh conditions.    Milk is basically cow's breast milk.  This breast milk is designed to help a baby calf turn into a 400 lb cow.  No other animal drinks another animals breast milk other than humans.  Yup, we're the only ones.  Cows don't even drink milk as adults.  So this made me seriously think about a few other things.  I say I love all animals and I am completly against animal cruelty.  I looked at Bailey and I thought, I would never eat her flesh or drink her milk because she is a living creature, I love her and that's just plain wrong.  She's an animal just a like a cow or a pig. Why is it wrong for her but not them?  I decided then that I can't just say I'm an animal lover who's against animal cruelty, I have to fully live that life. Cruelty against a cow is just as bad as cruelty against a dog.  Simple. 

Even though I have been a vegan for about 7 months now, I’ve only been able to lose about 40lbs.  Being the google geek I am, I research like crazy.  One of the things most of the diet sites or health guru’s suggest is keeping a food journal.  Now, I am no stranger to this.  I’ve been keeping food journals on and off for years.  But I figured once I went vegan, I wouldn’t have to waste my time because well, I was going to be eating nothing but fruits and veggies, right?  Wrong.  So I decided to keep a food journal for a week just to see what I was actually eating.  Here’s what I learned.  There is a ton of junk food that is vegan.  There is a ton of vegan junk food out there.  There is a ton of food out there that is just plan junk.  And most importantly, being 100% vegan, 100% of the time is freaking hard!  Here are some of the highlights of my week.  Keep in mind; this is not the full list and the amounts are what I ate of that food that week.  These are just some of the bad foods. 

6 large white flour tortillas

1 large bag Salt & Vinegar Chips

2 slices cheese pizza

1 large loaf sourdough bread

1 pint Purely Decadent Chocolate Obsession “Ice Cream”

3 2-liter bottles of soda

5 large orders of fast food fries

1 large order of fast food onion rings

                While it seems like a lot listed all together like that, you seriously don’t notice when you are munching on this junk throughout the week.  All those things up there are empty calories.  And don’t forget, the list doesn’t even include the veggies and fruit I ate that week either.  Actually, the only fruit I ate that week was 2 bananas.  That’s it.  I didn’t have any smoothies or anything.  Most of the veggies I ate like spinach and peppers were either rolled up in the tortillas or sandwiched between that loaf of sourdough I inhaled.  There are no whole grains on my list, very little fruit.  I see a ton of sugar and I know I had to eat 10 times the recommended serving of salt this week.  The simple fact is, is that even though I’m vegan, I still eat like crap.  On top of that I smoke.  I kept all my empty packs that week and I have 11 shiny boxes of Marlboro light 100’s.  I thought I had a pack a day habit.  I actually have a 1.5-2 packs a day habit.  That on top of my complete lack of any form of exercise what so ever, I’m surprised I haven’t had a heart attack yet. 

                So what am I doing about it?  Here’s my plan.  I am going to adopt a more organic, raw vegan diet.  This means cutting out the simple carbs and sugars and eating more stuff from good old Mother Nature.  Basically, if it wasn’t grown, I don’t want to eat to it.  I also plan on getting more involved in my food instead of relying on convenience packaging.  This means cutting out the cans, jars, bags and premade anything.  I’m even going to try my hand at making my own peanut butter!  Foods not my only focus either.  I started using my green smoke e-cigarette thing again to help me quit smoking.  It’s been 2 days and counting!!  I’m also working on my exercise routine right now.  Because I get so tired so quickly, instead of working out for 60-90 minutes once a day, I am going to break it up to about 15-30 minutes of exercise several times a day and then build on that.  Before I would just jump into trying to work out a full 60 minutes and when I couldn’t finish whatever I was doing, I would get frustrated and discourage.  This way will not only keep me moving throughout the day but I can prepare for it better mentally. 

So that’s pretty much it.  It’s nothing new or exciting, just your basic formula for a healthier life.  Eat better, exercise more.  I have a ton of books and nifty little gadgets to help me stay focused and on task and of course, I have this blog to celebrate my achievements and admit my mistakes.  I’ll also be sharing as much information with you as I can like new recipes or really good books or articles I come across.  Something else I’ll be sharing with you is how to get the most bang for your buck.  Let’s face it, a bag of apples cost twice as much as a bag of chips and you don’t have to wash the chips.  Since I’m no longer employed and I’m going to school full time, I will be on the lookout for deals and time savers that are still a part of my diet. 

Right now, nature is calling.  One of the things I decided to do to kick start this whole new lifestyle thing was use one of those colon cleaners and detoxification things.  Yes, I said colon cleaner.  Since Monday, I have been following a strict regimen of pills, powder and teas and after the last few days, I can assure you, there is absolutely nothing left in my digestive track.  I’ll have to tell you about that later.  J

I had plan to talk about the actual plan...

I have to admit, I was pretty giddy this morning when I saw that not only do I have a follower but I have gotten several comments of encouragement!!  I choked on my coffee a little actually.  It really means a lot that I have friends that would take the time to read my first posting.  Thank you!  I really do mean that. 

So, if you're still with me, let's get down to it shall we? Two things: First, I am going to write a quick little summary about me in case anyone just happens to be interested. If you're not, I would just skip the next 2 paragraphs. Second, I am going to write out my plan of attack. So here goes.

I am a 31 year old divorce mother of one. My 10 year old son, Dalton, lives in FL with his dad. We do have joint custody but I don't get to see him as much as I would like because of the distant. Even though we only get to see each other during the summers right now, we have a great relationship and it's scary how much he acts like me. He's also a genius by the way. :-) Currently I live in NC, where I have been for most of my life. There were a few years there when I was in the Army and then married to the Army where I lived in GA and FL but after my divorce, I came home to good ole' Carolina.

I don't work right now, I'm in school.   In December of 2010 I was laid off from a company I had worked at for 4 years. There was a huge surplus at the company and they basically cut about 1/2 the managers. That stung a little.  It still kind of stings.  But, that’s part of life and luckily, I was given the opportunity to choose a new career path. This opportunity is possible mainly in part because of my wonderful boyfriend who I will tell you a little more about later on.  Right now I feel I should move onto the real reason I’m writing this blog today.  My super awesome totally intensive design for a brighter day plan.   Still working on that title. 

Now I started this whole thing because one day, I was sitting on my couch, smoking a cigarette and feeling sorry for myself.  My boyfriend is deployed; my son is 700 miles away.  I have no job and certainly no focus.  I’m going to have to drop my biology class because apparently, I’m not as smart as I would like to think I am.  And even though I’m going to school to become a paramedic, in my current state, I have decided that I would be the worst paramedic every because I am this big tub of lard with a pack a day habit that gets winded taking out the trash or checking the mail.  How in the world am I going to help anyone?   Hell, I barely leave the house, ever.  No, I’m sorry, that’s a lie.  I do leave the house but it’s normally 11 o’clock at night and I’m either going to a drive-thru for some fries or to the gas station for a pack of smokes.  Either way, I always wear this big huge sweater and a hat.  Somehow I fell like if I covered up as much as possible, no one will notice me or how much I suck right now.  I’m a horrible person, a crappy girlfriend, sister and daughter.  I’m a part time mother, an unemployed bum with no focus.  I always have and always will be that fat little girl that no one really likes anyways.  That’s the dialogue that has been running through my head for months now.  I know it sounds a little harsh and definitely a bit over dramatic but I said I would be honest through this whole process.  I think everyone has a little dramatic voice in their head telling them how much they suck.  Some people’s voice is just a little bit louder than others and sometimes it just gets louder over time.  My particular voice has been screaming at me lately. 

So what’s changed?  Why am I suddenly grabbing the bull by the horns and saying enough is enough.  No more feeling sorry for myself.  No more wishing things were different, no more excuses.  My life isn’t perfect, but it’s what I make of it and right now, I’m just making a mess.  Nothing really changed, actually.    You know those light bulbs that get all bright and shiny above someone’s head when things just click suddenly.  As cheesy as that sounds, that’s exactly what happen.  

 Johnny came home for about 15 days on R&R; he actually just left last week to finish out his deployment.  The first week he was here we spent it in FL with his family.  His sister, who has a beautiful little boy, wanted everyone to go to Disney World for a day.  Now keep in mind Johnny grew up with Disney; they lived pretty close to the park.  He even used to work at Disney World selling hot dogs when he was younger.  But this trip was going to be the baby’s first Disney trip so it was pretty special.  It was also pretty special for me because, well, I have never been before either.  Before we got there, I didn’t want to go.  I was terrified of going actually.  A few days before Johnny even got home I secretly prayed I would get the flu or something and be too sick to go.  It wasn’t because I hated Disney.  I mean come on, it is a magical place.  I just didn’t want to go because I was scared and embarrassed.  I was terrified just thinking about all those people, looking at me, judging me.  My biggest fear, which I think all overweight people have, was that I wouldn’t fit on any of the rides.  We’d all get up to the front, get ready to climb aboard and alas, my gut would not allow the safety bars to close.  This would lead to the walk of shame off the ride, with everyone looking at me, giggling and being thankful they’re not like me.  Of course that didn’t happen but that didn’t stop the little voice from saying it over and over.  

Here’s what did happen.  I had a great time at Disney World with Johnny and his family.  I fit perfectly fine on the rides we did go on.  I didn’t bend, crush, dent or in any way destroy any Disney structures with my perceived massive size.  And even though it was a super-hot day and there were what seemed like a million tight-bodied teenage girls with barely there shorts on, Johnny was just as attentive as he always is.  He held my hand, wrapped his arm around me and kissed me, on the forehead, the hand, the cheek,  the lips, just like he always does, no matter where we are (except in front of the moms.  For some reason, he won’t kiss me in front of the moms; especially my mom-it’s a little strange). 

The other thing that happen is that I talked to Dalton about our plans for the summer.  This summer is going to be the first time that Dalton and I can actually spend all day, every day together.  Before, when I was working, he spent more time with his babysitter than he did with me.   On my days off, we may have been able to go see a movie or go out to lunch; maybe his cousin would come over and they’d play video games or something.  That was pretty much it.  But this summer is going to be different.  I have all these plans and a list of things that we can do.  After all, we are going to have all day, every day just me and him.  I was telling Dalton all about the great plans I had and I wanted to know if there was anything else he wanted to do this summer that I hadn’t thought.  I mean, after all, this was going to be the best summer ever and I didn’t want to forget anything.   He, in fact, did have some ideas.  He instructed me to get pen and paper to make a list.  This way I wouldn’t forget anything.  Here’s what I got:

1.        Rent Step Up 3.  Dalton is very interested in dance now.  He wants to rent this movie because he can “kinda” do the dance at the end and he wants to show me his moves as well as teach me how to do it too. 

2.       Play Just Dance on the Wii together.  Like I said, he’s really into dance right now.

3.       Help me with my math homework.  He knows how much I hate math and since he’s really good at it and he thinks it super fun, he’s pretty sure he can teach me a thing or two.  I haven’t had the heart yet to tell him that he may not know how to solve for ‘y’ just yet. 

4.       Try new food stuff.  Dalton likes to experiment in the kitchen and come up with all kinds of crazy and different things.  I really want him to have a healthy relationship with food and eating in general so I let him have fun and explore. 

5.       Read books.  This is a love that Dalton and I have always shared.  He said he has a ton of books that he can’t wait to share with me. 

And that’s it.  I kept asking him “are you sure that’s all you want to do, you can’t think of anything else you might want?”  You know what he said.  “Mom, I just want to hang out with you. “ 

                Now I didn’t think anything about it at the time.  I didn’t realize how important that statement was until a few days later, when I was sitting on my couch, smoking a cigarette, feeling sorry for myself.  Here’s what I realized.  While my inner self was ripping me apart on the inside, I had to two absolutely amazing people loving me on the outside.   Here I’ve been listening to this stupid little voice tell me how crappy I am for only losing 40lbs in the past 6 months when I have this tall, dark and handsome Georgetown graduate who shows me every day that I’m more than some number on the scale and he’s more than just some guy I’m dating.  He’s my best friend and he just wants me to be happy.  I have this genius of a son, who’s probably smarter than me at this point, who gets so excited about sharing everyday simple things with me.  I mean how bad of a person can I actually be if I have these two awesome people in my life?   How selfish am I for choosing to throw myself a pity party over what I don’t have instead of being thankful and excited about all that I do have?  And how absolutely conceded and self-centered of me to tell myself I’m not worth the effort? 

It seems everyone who embarks on a self-improvement journey all say the same thing.  “If you really want to change your life, you have to do it for you and no one else.”  I have a hard time connecting with that.  Albert Pine once said, “What we do for us dies with us.  What we do for the world and others remains and is immortal.”  That I completely connect with.   I’m just not at a point right now where I can say I’m doing all this completely for me and truly believe it.  So for now, this whole plan I have to improve my quality of life by repairing all the damaged I’ve already done to myself isn’t really for me.  It’s for the people who share my life.  They deserve more than just this tiny little wounded piece of a woman.  They deserve every joy my soul has to offer.  Eventually I’ll believe I deserve that too. 

I just realized I never told you about the actual plan itself.  Remember when I said that this blog would probably be a lot of babbling?  You have just experienced said babbling.  As much as I would like to get into the heart of my plan for transformation, I feel I have taken enough of your time today; and apparently so has my dog.  She has been pacing back and forth and poking my thigh with her nose for the past 10 minutes.  I better let her outside before I spend the rest of my evening scrubbing the carpet.   

Why I'm here:

I have been debating the notion for a few weeks now.  I wasn't 100% sure if it was something I could or even wanted to do.  For starters, let's be honest, who is really that interested in reading about me and the weird thoughts that seem to come from my head.  Even my dog Bailey gives me a funny look sometimes when I'm talking out loud (yes, I talk out loud-a lot).  Second, while I love writing, I am a horrible speller and grammar isn't exactly my strong suit.  Let that be a warning.  If perfectly typed paragraphs of amazing intellect are your thing, you won't find it here.  Most of it is going to be poorly punctuated babbled and you will most likely find a few errors here and there.  And of course my biggest worry is something I think all new bloggers to the web think about:  What if someone actually reads this and OMG....makes fun of it or me or leaves a nasty comment or worst, what if nobody ever reads it? What if my blog becomes the first blog ever that wins some strange new award for pure crappiness?  An award that is invented specifically for me.  That would be a bit embarrassing.  But then I decided that in the end, that's not what this is about.  This is about me, as conceded and cliché as that sounds.  I'm a writer at heart and when you are a writer at heart you have to do just that, write. 

I haven't seriously put pen to paper since before my son was born.  I can't even remember the last thing I wrote that wasn't an assignment with a due date.  So why have I suddenly decided to spill my guts to a computer screen while drinking a hot cup of coffee?  Well, part of it may be the mild caffeine buzz I'm on but mostly because I'm having a slight mid-life crisis and writing about it makes me feel better.  Now when I say mid-life crisis keep in mind I'm only 31.  I call it a mid-life crisis because I am at a point in my life where I have to make some serious changes if I want to live another 31 years.  Yes, I'm fat.  Yes, I'm a smoker.  Yes, I'm a homebody that would rather sit on the couch and watch the Biggest Loser on TV and cry while stuffing my face with popcorn than actually get up and do anything about it.  The weird thing is, and here's the kicker, I'm a vegan.  Well, a vegan in training would better describe it. 

I've been a vegan for about 7 or 8 months now I think.  I know, it sounds crazy!!  How can someone who doesn't eat meat or dairy or eggs still be fat?  Well, my friend let me tell you.  Chips are vegan and so are french fries and there is certainly a huge list of yummy vegan junk that I consume on a regular basis.  And to be honest, I haven't been 100% vegan 100% of the time.  I'm a stress eater, I always have been.  And when I get really depressed, cheese is my best friend, and chocolate.  And bread, oh my gosh, don't even show me a loaf of sour sough when I'm sad.  Its lame, I know, but portion control has always been a big issue for me.  Food in general has always been a big issue for me.  I can't pin point a time in my life when I didn't have a strange romance with food.  Even as a child I was haunted by this obsession.  Imagine, an 11 year whose biggest achievement for the day was that she didn't sneak any Oreo’s from the pantry so she could eat them in her room where no one would see her.  Or how proud she was the day she came home after spending the summer with Grandma and her mother made a comment on how she didn't gain any more weight while she was gone.  It's funny how I can remember that but I can't remember a single birthday party I've ever had.  Weird, I know. 

But that is why I am here, at 1:30 in the morning, deciding that starting this blog is a good idea.  I need something to get all these crazy thoughts out of my head.  And while I know not many people will be very interested with my journey or even care about my progress, somehow I get the feeling that writing this blog is going to hold me accountable.  I'm an all or nothing kind of gal.  I either give it everything I have or I just don't bother at all.  Putting me out there isn't something that I normally like to do.  I'm normally very reserved and only open up to a few selected people.  I’m not even that close with my family which is something I desperately want to change.  I have had a long hard talk with myself and frankly, this whole role I have casted myself in; it's not working for me anymore.  I want to be more compassionate.  I want to be more open and outgoing.  I want to be truly organic and alive with life.  So while this blog may not be a literary masterpiece and at times, perhaps a bit blah, it will be honest.   One of my favorite quotes is from Tenzin Gyatso, the 14^th Dalai Lama

 “In our approach to life, be it pragmatic or otherwise, the ultimate truth that confronts us squarely and unmistakably is the desire for peace, security and happiness.  Different forms of life in different aspects of existence make up the teeming denizens of this earth of ours.  And, no matter whether they belong to the higher group as human beings or to the lower group the animals, all beings primarily seek peace, comfort and security.  Life is as dear to a mute creature as it is to a man.  Just as one wants happiness and fears pain, just as one wants to live and not to die, so do other creatures.” 

                Peace, comfort and security and the ability to extend that to others.   That’s what my journey is about.