I had plan to talk about the actual plan...

I have to admit, I was pretty giddy this morning when I saw that not only do I have a follower but I have gotten several comments of encouragement!!  I choked on my coffee a little actually.  It really means a lot that I have friends that would take the time to read my first posting.  Thank you!  I really do mean that. 

So, if you're still with me, let's get down to it shall we? Two things: First, I am going to write a quick little summary about me in case anyone just happens to be interested. If you're not, I would just skip the next 2 paragraphs. Second, I am going to write out my plan of attack. So here goes.

I am a 31 year old divorce mother of one. My 10 year old son, Dalton, lives in FL with his dad. We do have joint custody but I don't get to see him as much as I would like because of the distant. Even though we only get to see each other during the summers right now, we have a great relationship and it's scary how much he acts like me. He's also a genius by the way. :-) Currently I live in NC, where I have been for most of my life. There were a few years there when I was in the Army and then married to the Army where I lived in GA and FL but after my divorce, I came home to good ole' Carolina.

I don't work right now, I'm in school.   In December of 2010 I was laid off from a company I had worked at for 4 years. There was a huge surplus at the company and they basically cut about 1/2 the managers. That stung a little.  It still kind of stings.  But, that’s part of life and luckily, I was given the opportunity to choose a new career path. This opportunity is possible mainly in part because of my wonderful boyfriend who I will tell you a little more about later on.  Right now I feel I should move onto the real reason I’m writing this blog today.  My super awesome totally intensive design for a brighter day plan.   Still working on that title. 

Now I started this whole thing because one day, I was sitting on my couch, smoking a cigarette and feeling sorry for myself.  My boyfriend is deployed; my son is 700 miles away.  I have no job and certainly no focus.  I’m going to have to drop my biology class because apparently, I’m not as smart as I would like to think I am.  And even though I’m going to school to become a paramedic, in my current state, I have decided that I would be the worst paramedic every because I am this big tub of lard with a pack a day habit that gets winded taking out the trash or checking the mail.  How in the world am I going to help anyone?   Hell, I barely leave the house, ever.  No, I’m sorry, that’s a lie.  I do leave the house but it’s normally 11 o’clock at night and I’m either going to a drive-thru for some fries or to the gas station for a pack of smokes.  Either way, I always wear this big huge sweater and a hat.  Somehow I fell like if I covered up as much as possible, no one will notice me or how much I suck right now.  I’m a horrible person, a crappy girlfriend, sister and daughter.  I’m a part time mother, an unemployed bum with no focus.  I always have and always will be that fat little girl that no one really likes anyways.  That’s the dialogue that has been running through my head for months now.  I know it sounds a little harsh and definitely a bit over dramatic but I said I would be honest through this whole process.  I think everyone has a little dramatic voice in their head telling them how much they suck.  Some people’s voice is just a little bit louder than others and sometimes it just gets louder over time.  My particular voice has been screaming at me lately. 

So what’s changed?  Why am I suddenly grabbing the bull by the horns and saying enough is enough.  No more feeling sorry for myself.  No more wishing things were different, no more excuses.  My life isn’t perfect, but it’s what I make of it and right now, I’m just making a mess.  Nothing really changed, actually.    You know those light bulbs that get all bright and shiny above someone’s head when things just click suddenly.  As cheesy as that sounds, that’s exactly what happen.  

 Johnny came home for about 15 days on R&R; he actually just left last week to finish out his deployment.  The first week he was here we spent it in FL with his family.  His sister, who has a beautiful little boy, wanted everyone to go to Disney World for a day.  Now keep in mind Johnny grew up with Disney; they lived pretty close to the park.  He even used to work at Disney World selling hot dogs when he was younger.  But this trip was going to be the baby’s first Disney trip so it was pretty special.  It was also pretty special for me because, well, I have never been before either.  Before we got there, I didn’t want to go.  I was terrified of going actually.  A few days before Johnny even got home I secretly prayed I would get the flu or something and be too sick to go.  It wasn’t because I hated Disney.  I mean come on, it is a magical place.  I just didn’t want to go because I was scared and embarrassed.  I was terrified just thinking about all those people, looking at me, judging me.  My biggest fear, which I think all overweight people have, was that I wouldn’t fit on any of the rides.  We’d all get up to the front, get ready to climb aboard and alas, my gut would not allow the safety bars to close.  This would lead to the walk of shame off the ride, with everyone looking at me, giggling and being thankful they’re not like me.  Of course that didn’t happen but that didn’t stop the little voice from saying it over and over.  

Here’s what did happen.  I had a great time at Disney World with Johnny and his family.  I fit perfectly fine on the rides we did go on.  I didn’t bend, crush, dent or in any way destroy any Disney structures with my perceived massive size.  And even though it was a super-hot day and there were what seemed like a million tight-bodied teenage girls with barely there shorts on, Johnny was just as attentive as he always is.  He held my hand, wrapped his arm around me and kissed me, on the forehead, the hand, the cheek,  the lips, just like he always does, no matter where we are (except in front of the moms.  For some reason, he won’t kiss me in front of the moms; especially my mom-it’s a little strange). 

The other thing that happen is that I talked to Dalton about our plans for the summer.  This summer is going to be the first time that Dalton and I can actually spend all day, every day together.  Before, when I was working, he spent more time with his babysitter than he did with me.   On my days off, we may have been able to go see a movie or go out to lunch; maybe his cousin would come over and they’d play video games or something.  That was pretty much it.  But this summer is going to be different.  I have all these plans and a list of things that we can do.  After all, we are going to have all day, every day just me and him.  I was telling Dalton all about the great plans I had and I wanted to know if there was anything else he wanted to do this summer that I hadn’t thought.  I mean, after all, this was going to be the best summer ever and I didn’t want to forget anything.   He, in fact, did have some ideas.  He instructed me to get pen and paper to make a list.  This way I wouldn’t forget anything.  Here’s what I got:

1.        Rent Step Up 3.  Dalton is very interested in dance now.  He wants to rent this movie because he can “kinda” do the dance at the end and he wants to show me his moves as well as teach me how to do it too. 

2.       Play Just Dance on the Wii together.  Like I said, he’s really into dance right now.

3.       Help me with my math homework.  He knows how much I hate math and since he’s really good at it and he thinks it super fun, he’s pretty sure he can teach me a thing or two.  I haven’t had the heart yet to tell him that he may not know how to solve for ‘y’ just yet. 

4.       Try new food stuff.  Dalton likes to experiment in the kitchen and come up with all kinds of crazy and different things.  I really want him to have a healthy relationship with food and eating in general so I let him have fun and explore. 

5.       Read books.  This is a love that Dalton and I have always shared.  He said he has a ton of books that he can’t wait to share with me. 

And that’s it.  I kept asking him “are you sure that’s all you want to do, you can’t think of anything else you might want?”  You know what he said.  “Mom, I just want to hang out with you. “ 

                Now I didn’t think anything about it at the time.  I didn’t realize how important that statement was until a few days later, when I was sitting on my couch, smoking a cigarette, feeling sorry for myself.  Here’s what I realized.  While my inner self was ripping me apart on the inside, I had to two absolutely amazing people loving me on the outside.   Here I’ve been listening to this stupid little voice tell me how crappy I am for only losing 40lbs in the past 6 months when I have this tall, dark and handsome Georgetown graduate who shows me every day that I’m more than some number on the scale and he’s more than just some guy I’m dating.  He’s my best friend and he just wants me to be happy.  I have this genius of a son, who’s probably smarter than me at this point, who gets so excited about sharing everyday simple things with me.  I mean how bad of a person can I actually be if I have these two awesome people in my life?   How selfish am I for choosing to throw myself a pity party over what I don’t have instead of being thankful and excited about all that I do have?  And how absolutely conceded and self-centered of me to tell myself I’m not worth the effort? 

It seems everyone who embarks on a self-improvement journey all say the same thing.  “If you really want to change your life, you have to do it for you and no one else.”  I have a hard time connecting with that.  Albert Pine once said, “What we do for us dies with us.  What we do for the world and others remains and is immortal.”  That I completely connect with.   I’m just not at a point right now where I can say I’m doing all this completely for me and truly believe it.  So for now, this whole plan I have to improve my quality of life by repairing all the damaged I’ve already done to myself isn’t really for me.  It’s for the people who share my life.  They deserve more than just this tiny little wounded piece of a woman.  They deserve every joy my soul has to offer.  Eventually I’ll believe I deserve that too. 

I just realized I never told you about the actual plan itself.  Remember when I said that this blog would probably be a lot of babbling?  You have just experienced said babbling.  As much as I would like to get into the heart of my plan for transformation, I feel I have taken enough of your time today; and apparently so has my dog.  She has been pacing back and forth and poking my thigh with her nose for the past 10 minutes.  I better let her outside before I spend the rest of my evening scrubbing the carpet.