I use to feel so inferior to some of the other managers. To put it simply, I was a bit jealous. Here they are, in their element, doing what they do best. Here I was, in their element, pretending like I knew what I was doing. I felt like an intruder. I can't count the number of times I would be a in a meeting and I would fantasy about standing up, throwing my hands in the air and yelling "Who cares! It's cell phone service people! People either want it or they don't. The world will not collapse in on itself if we tell a customer no."
I didn't, and still don’t, understand the rules of office politics. Not that there's anything wrong with it. In fact, I admire those that know how to play the game. If you want to be in business, it's just something you have to do. For me, business wasn't where I wanted to be so nothing could convince me to dive in head first. Maybe that's why I never really felt like I fit in there. I didn't have an eye for fashion or style like so many others. My hair was always in a ponytail and only on occasion did I put on makeup. My clothes were more for comfort than fashion and the few times I did wear heels, I was sorely reminded why I hated them in the first place. I didn't seek out people to be friends with. In fact, there were only a handful of people I actually liked. Not because my co-workers weren’t good people, but because I find it hard to open up to anyone in general. I’d rather write you a story than tell you about myself. Ironic, I know as this is a blog about me and I seem to vomit emotions all over my keyboard. I am and will always be a behind the scene kind of gal. I find I can be pretty amazing, when no one is around. I think that is why I find the most comfort in writing. It’s a byproduct of my childhood I would assume. When you grew up in the house I did, you learn to be quite and not make friends. If at any time you did speak out, it would be twisted and turn back against you and everyone would think you are the horrible ill-behaved child who does things simply to piss people off. I learned very quickly to lay low in public and not draw attention to myself. All in all, this translated to me, as an adult, spending four years holding back and trying to stay in the shadows. I think part of me was scared that I would get a better position and then my fate in the world of big business would be sealed. I’d never get the chance to live out my real dreams. Or maybe I was just scared people would figure out I had no freakin’ clue what I was doing.
I remember when we finally found out who was going to be surplused. I cried for almost a week. I just couldn't believe the people they had chosen. They let go of some really amazing people; people who wanted and deserved to be there. I wasn't too surprised I was on the list because well, let's face it; I wasn't exactly a fortune 500 company's wet dream. I had no formal education other than high school and I had only been with the company for four years. My numbers weren't all that bad but they weren't all that good either. I had a hard time connecting with people and I definitely didn't dress for the role. How could I not know that I would be labeled “unnecessary” by them? It was more of the rejection than anything else. I felt like I had just been dumped after a bad long term relationship. I knew it was for the best but it still stung a little. I was supposed to break up with them; they weren't supposed to break up with me. It was a hard pill to swallow; a hard coarse dry pill.
Something happens to you during the course of a layoff. After the crying and mountains of paper work, a fear sets in. What if no one else will hire me? What if I never find another job again? What happens if I can't find a job before unemployment runs out? What if I have to get a job at McDonalds? What if someone from here comes through the drive through and yells at me because I forgot to put ketchup in their bag? What if I get fired from McDonalds because I kept forgetting to put the damn ketchup in the bag and then I end up broke, living at home with my mother and discovering I have a fondness for stray cats? Hey, it’s a real fear. But that doesn't happen. Instead that fear turns into a fire. You get this overwhelming desire to prove them all wrong. You may not have wanted to be there but you will show them that getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to you. You live off this fire, fueling your attempts to forge out a better life for yourself. You make all these plans and set up goals for yourself. You feel happy and almost giddy as you think about your future. Every day you wake up with this sense of urgency and desire to take on the world. That is until reality smacks you in the face. Instead of landing an amazing job with better pay and better hours, you find that the job market sucks. Everyone is looking for that golden position. Getting a degree is taking way longer than you originally planned. You realize that the time spent out of the classroom has left your brain foggy and uncooperative. School work does not come as easily as it did in your teenage years. You begin to doubt if you were ever even really that smart to begin with. You now fear running into people from work because the amazing person you just knew you would be by now is running a little a late. A year out and all you have to show for it is a few extra pounds around the middle (hey, carbs are a girls’ best friend in their time of need), no job, no prospects and only a few classes at the local community college under your belt. Ain't life grand?
But it wasn't all bad. Amidst the endless coachings, horrible hours, impossible performance goals and insane yelling customers, I do long for a few aspects of my former life. I miss the paycheck, obviously, but I think it's more than that. I miss getting up in the morning with something to do other than dishes and taking out the trash. Aww, who am I kidding, I never take out the trash, that's Johnny's job. What I really miss are the people. I had grown accustom to seeing certain people five days a week and well, I miss them. I miss talking about movies and zombies and other nonsense stuff. I miss complaining about the job. I miss gossiping about all those other people who, let’s face it; I was jealous of for some reason or another. I miss the few people that got my odd sense of humor. I miss the "Ladies that Lunch". I miss pretending to talk about business whenever an Area Manager would walk by. I miss knowing there were a handful of people I could open up to without the fear of my personal drama being used against me at the most inconvenient times. I miss running around acting like an idiot in an attempt to get the agents excited about yet another performance goal that I truly did not care about. In short, I miss my friends.
And that’s where I’m at; sitting on the couch, in my pajamas, eating chips, cursing the fact that I had to cut off cable in order to save money and wondering what my friends are doing. I think that is why I started this blog in the first place. I wanted something to focus on other than my own sad little failures. The only problem with that is the idea for the blog was born during my fire period. Now that I am in the “this really really sucks” period, I find it hard to even think of new things to blog about. And of course, who wants to plaster their long list of failures all over the internet? Hell, who wants to read that crap? 
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