Why I'm here:

I have been debating the notion for a few weeks now.  I wasn't 100% sure if it was something I could or even wanted to do.  For starters, let's be honest, who is really that interested in reading about me and the weird thoughts that seem to come from my head.  Even my dog Bailey gives me a funny look sometimes when I'm talking out loud (yes, I talk out loud-a lot).  Second, while I love writing, I am a horrible speller and grammar isn't exactly my strong suit.  Let that be a warning.  If perfectly typed paragraphs of amazing intellect are your thing, you won't find it here.  Most of it is going to be poorly punctuated babbled and you will most likely find a few errors here and there.  And of course my biggest worry is something I think all new bloggers to the web think about:  What if someone actually reads this and OMG....makes fun of it or me or leaves a nasty comment or worst, what if nobody ever reads it? What if my blog becomes the first blog ever that wins some strange new award for pure crappiness?  An award that is invented specifically for me.  That would be a bit embarrassing.  But then I decided that in the end, that's not what this is about.  This is about me, as conceded and cliché as that sounds.  I'm a writer at heart and when you are a writer at heart you have to do just that, write. 

I haven't seriously put pen to paper since before my son was born.  I can't even remember the last thing I wrote that wasn't an assignment with a due date.  So why have I suddenly decided to spill my guts to a computer screen while drinking a hot cup of coffee?  Well, part of it may be the mild caffeine buzz I'm on but mostly because I'm having a slight mid-life crisis and writing about it makes me feel better.  Now when I say mid-life crisis keep in mind I'm only 31.  I call it a mid-life crisis because I am at a point in my life where I have to make some serious changes if I want to live another 31 years.  Yes, I'm fat.  Yes, I'm a smoker.  Yes, I'm a homebody that would rather sit on the couch and watch the Biggest Loser on TV and cry while stuffing my face with popcorn than actually get up and do anything about it.  The weird thing is, and here's the kicker, I'm a vegan.  Well, a vegan in training would better describe it. 

I've been a vegan for about 7 or 8 months now I think.  I know, it sounds crazy!!  How can someone who doesn't eat meat or dairy or eggs still be fat?  Well, my friend let me tell you.  Chips are vegan and so are french fries and there is certainly a huge list of yummy vegan junk that I consume on a regular basis.  And to be honest, I haven't been 100% vegan 100% of the time.  I'm a stress eater, I always have been.  And when I get really depressed, cheese is my best friend, and chocolate.  And bread, oh my gosh, don't even show me a loaf of sour sough when I'm sad.  Its lame, I know, but portion control has always been a big issue for me.  Food in general has always been a big issue for me.  I can't pin point a time in my life when I didn't have a strange romance with food.  Even as a child I was haunted by this obsession.  Imagine, an 11 year whose biggest achievement for the day was that she didn't sneak any Oreo’s from the pantry so she could eat them in her room where no one would see her.  Or how proud she was the day she came home after spending the summer with Grandma and her mother made a comment on how she didn't gain any more weight while she was gone.  It's funny how I can remember that but I can't remember a single birthday party I've ever had.  Weird, I know. 

But that is why I am here, at 1:30 in the morning, deciding that starting this blog is a good idea.  I need something to get all these crazy thoughts out of my head.  And while I know not many people will be very interested with my journey or even care about my progress, somehow I get the feeling that writing this blog is going to hold me accountable.  I'm an all or nothing kind of gal.  I either give it everything I have or I just don't bother at all.  Putting me out there isn't something that I normally like to do.  I'm normally very reserved and only open up to a few selected people.  I’m not even that close with my family which is something I desperately want to change.  I have had a long hard talk with myself and frankly, this whole role I have casted myself in; it's not working for me anymore.  I want to be more compassionate.  I want to be more open and outgoing.  I want to be truly organic and alive with life.  So while this blog may not be a literary masterpiece and at times, perhaps a bit blah, it will be honest.   One of my favorite quotes is from Tenzin Gyatso, the 14^th Dalai Lama

 “In our approach to life, be it pragmatic or otherwise, the ultimate truth that confronts us squarely and unmistakably is the desire for peace, security and happiness.  Different forms of life in different aspects of existence make up the teeming denizens of this earth of ours.  And, no matter whether they belong to the higher group as human beings or to the lower group the animals, all beings primarily seek peace, comfort and security.  Life is as dear to a mute creature as it is to a man.  Just as one wants happiness and fears pain, just as one wants to live and not to die, so do other creatures.” 

                Peace, comfort and security and the ability to extend that to others.   That’s what my journey is about.